Based on my frequent NYC driving experiences I have decided to make a list of helpful tips to assist those of you visiting the city. These tips have kept me from frequent cussing, fighting, and temporary insanity when dealing with NYC driving.
1. The first step is to dehumanize every car you encounter. Assume that you are not driving beside a person but a large piece of metal that is driving itself. Rather than feeling bad when you make an aggressive move you can now rest assure due to the fact that large pieces of self propelled metal don't have feelings.
2. Don't assume the wheel base of your Honda Civic is automatically going to be of greater distance than the size of an approaching pot hole. I've seen babies disappear in these holes.
3. When taxi drivers cut you off don't get offended just remember: It's their job to cut people off!
4. Always read the sign below the sign below the sign when attempting to park or make a left turn. Parking signs can be like parables only those who seek out the solution will know the actual regulations.
5. When faced with a mass of pedestrians in your path accelerate quickly while at a slight distance. This will create enough hesitation and fear in to open a gap large enough for your car to squeeze through. Hit the gap as soon as it opens it's probably your only chance.
6. Never answer a horn with your own horn, it will only incite a chain of other excessive horn blowing individuals who regardless of their current situation will feel compelled to honk their hearts out.
7. Pretend that every trip to the city is a competitive race between you and every car that challenges your position. Think of it as a NASCAR race with the the Sprint Cup drivers (professionals) are driving the yellow cars and the Nationwide drivers are in the cars of assorted colors. This makes defeating taxis twice as rewarding, and is an activity the whole family can enjoy.
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